19) [Eeyore] I'm really suspicious of perky people. I think your positive attitude about the cancer is a big act. Come on--let out the negative

Well, Eeyore, I'm not sure you've posed a question as much as made a policy statement, but I'll bend the rules this time.

I do have negative emotions, and they are seeping out. I really would like to stomp the crap out of my radiation mask, whereas I originally thought it would be a fun momento. I ain't laughing all that much. And for some reason, I just can't bring myself to finish the books I was reading in Seattle. I just don't want to touch them. I couldn't tell you why.

So, I'm probably supressing stuff--I'll concede that.

What I would argue, however, is that suppressing your emotions is under-rated. We do this all the time, and it's not clear that giving free reign to your emotions is really helpful. For example, when you have to teach a classful of dunderheads, I have not found it helpful to think, "Well, this really sucks--these kids don't give a crap about what I'm trying to teach them". That doesn't seem to help matters.

So, cancer is the same thing--I can't see much alternative to saying to myself, "Just shut up and push ahead. You're not dead yet, and it could be worse".

I do have an easier time visualizing myself being dead than imagining myself living to an old age, though that was true before the cancer. Really, that's just part of my sunny disposition. 8-)

18) In scrapping with the Beast, was there anything that you found really helpful?

Mostly music. Espcially the album Wherever You are by the band, Third Day (a christian southern rock band--who knew there was such a thing?)

This song really spoke to me.

Cry Out To Jesus - Third Day (2005)

To everyone who's lost someone they love
long before it was their time.
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye.

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
keepin' you back from your life.
You believe that there's nothing
and there is no one who can make it right.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love.
and they've done all they can to make it right again
still it's not enough.

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
you try to give up but you come back again.
Just remember that you're not alone
in your shame and your suffering.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus.

When you're lonely and it feels like the whole world is falling on you
you just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus.

To the widow who suffers from being alone,
wipin' the tears from her eyes.
For the children around the world without a home,
say a prayer tonight.

There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
that meets you wherever you are.
There is hope for the helpless, rest for the weary,
and love for the broken hearts.
There is grace and forgiveness, mercy and healing
that meets you wherever you are.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

Cry out to Jesus. Cry out to Jesus.

I also really benefited from my trip to Mount Saint Helens. It really was clear that violence and destruction don't have the last word. 8-)

I also benefited from laughing--really some parts of it were funny. I could play my own CD's during radiation, so I had some Switchfoot cd's. And the one I listened to the most, Learning to Breathe, starts off with "Dare You to Move". This seemed rather comical as I lay there strapped to the gurney--like I was really going anywhere.

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone’s here
Everyone’s here
Everybody’s watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next
What happens next

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Learning to Breathe is on point, too--

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

more on question 16

One thing that strikes me is that there is no substitute for longevity in life. I guess that's obvious, but compare

- Elton John v. Jim Morrison
It's hard to imagine that the latter engaged in more risky behavior than the former (a gay heroin addict). Yet the former got to grow into a fat, contented, domesticated lounge singer (whom I actually like a great deal). Jim Morrison, well, he's in some Paris cemetary.

- George W. Bush v. Ted Kenndy
Ted turned into one of the great senators of the 20th century after kind of rough night in Martha's Vinyard.

Then there's George W. He went from the ne'er-do-well drunken brother to a major league f-up on a global scale. Maybe dying young would serve some people well.

- Michael Jordan v. Len Bias
Bias was the finest baller I ever saw play, even better than MJ.
(Coach K at Duke says these are the two finest players he ever saw play in the ACC. He didn't rank them against each other.)

(It's hard to know whether LB would have had a greater impact on the NBA. Playing for the Celtics instead of the lowly Bulls would have been a big advantage. It's just not clear that LB had the same Jordan-like ability to beat/cajole/mold/berate other players into doing his bidding/their best.)

In any case, it's not clear which of these two took more risks. Coke killed LB, supposedly on the first try. Jordan repeatedly gambled, even when the consequences were dire. And one can only guess at the crowd Jordan ran with while gambling at such a level ($25e3 per hand in poker).

All I know is Jordan is an icon with a little problem, and LB is gone.